SECRETS.....

Small smiles of you make my life glitter
The way the little stars shine the dark sky…
A hello from you makes my world glister…
The way the morning sun brightens the dawn,


A few words become my joy for ever…
A touch gives me a little quiver…

You are unaware of this, but I keep it a secret in my heart…

Never knew what a beautiful name I had….
Till you savored and whispered it in my ears.…

When you looked into my eyes..
Electrified altogether my nerves….

You are unaware of this, but I keep it a secret in my heart…

The thoughts of you were inspirations…
Fresh breath for the next day’s endurances …

My dreams came in full of colors…rich and glossy…
Slipping into them all the time…
Falling in love with them all the while…

You are unaware of this, but I keep it a secret in my heart..

I know the day my heart bursts with what it stores….
‘I love you’ the words, from your hearts core…

But………………………………………………….

The clouds covered the sky, when you forget to smile,
The sun blocked its rays to reach the dawn, when you forget to say hello,.
I wish to be deaf, when you forget to call my name,
And I wish to be blind when you forget to see me….

You are unaware of this, but I keep it a secret in my heart!!!

PARADISE!!!

I came across a mirror on the wall…
Tried to look-in, my reflection there tall…

Aghast to see my scattered future..,
Were put together with the sutures…

Turned back with fear, closing my eyes…
Got a heavy jerk when opened my eyes…

There were my recorded imprints,
Strongly, thickly formed my foot prints..

Can I efface them, thought a while..
But I felt, they were taunting me in style..

Caught between the dreaded commotions…
No one cared about my emotions….

Alone, standing in the midst of a nightmare..
My future and past were pulling my nous with one another…

A ray of hope, bright light, showing me the path…
My present, leading me to the primrose path!!!

When I truly am here…in Paradise
Why do I bother to look in the mirror, or past days???

untitled one......

God, in the name of the Baby,
All the happiness you showered on me.
Spring….winter….Autumn….Rain….
The rain still, still drizzling on me.

The sweet cry of yours, without tears
Were soothening my ears….
When you, to yawn, opened your little mouth…
I found you the cutest one ever on the earth.

When I opened your tiny soft fist…
I wondered to see the real pink rose in my fist.
When you kicked me with your tiny legs…
I felt that you were tickling me.

When you bit me with your gums…
I dared not to search any other heaven!!!
When I held you close by, the heartbeat of yours,
I felt together mine made me thrilled!!!

When I ran my fingers through your hair…
I felt soft silk threads kissing my fingers.
When you were asleep…
I was sure an angel on my lap.

When you smiled in your sleep…
No, I never doubted…
He, himself was born to me, my God!
Yes, I am blessed!
All the happiness you showered on me…
Spring…winter…autumn…rain…
Rain still…still drizzling on me.

ONE MORE LEAF FROM MY DIARY........

Why do I get this dream very often? The dream IS indeed very scary! In the examination hall, it was too dark and I was too sleepy to write anything. I could not even hold a pen. I tried hard to keep my eyes open. How much ever I tried to keep my eyes open, more I was sleepy. Suddenly out of nowhere, a fierce tiger jumped towards me. I shrieked with fear but no sound came out. When I tried to run, I could not move my legs, which were stuck to the floor. And I was too sleepy for anything.
There was this incident which I would never forget:
It was my final examination. I had nearly 1 ½ months of holidays for preparing for these exams. I made a time-table to study. There was no recess or entertainment time in my schedule. I studied my lessons religiously.
The first exam was Economics. On the D-day myself and Shama, my best friend got the same hall, my other best friend Sujatha got another hall, next to ours. In our hall, we searched for our roll numbers and took our places. My place was at one corner, Shama’s at the other end. But we could see each other.
The invigilator came and distributed the question paper to all.
I read the question paper, there were 10 questions. It was said to write any 5 of them.
When I glanced towards the questions, I started sweating. Beads of perspiration adorned my forehead. And my hands started trembling, because the questions were unfamiliar to me. I felt that I had never even read this. I thought that these questions were not from my syllabus. My eyes started brimming with the tears. But before they fall on my paper I wiped them off. I looked around. Everybody was busy writing. And Shama, she was also writing with immense concentration.
I looked down and again I read my questions and I thought I would write. But what to write? I should know something but in reality I knew nothing. I wasted my precious time for about 10 to 15 minutes. I made up mind to get out of the exam hall and I would write the supplementary exam in October.
Thinking so I closed my pen, folded the question paper and got up. Then my friend Shama looked at me and asked what happened. I gestured to her that I am going and I do not know anything. She told me to sit down and write whatever comes in my mind. And she threatened me that otherwise she would not talk to me.
I sat down, opened the question paper. I tried to recollect what I’d studied, but I did not know a single answer. With this I lost almost ½ an hour. I tried to scribble on the sheet, I wrote and wrote and wrote, never stopped till the last bell rang.
After the exam I thanked Shama for stopping me from leaving the hall.
When I got the final result I had passed in all the papers and, guess what, I’d got the highest marks in Economics. I feel the credit should go to Shama. If she had not threatened me, I would not have written, yet alone passed my exam in the first attempt.
But the fear of exam is still runs in my nerves, veins. Even today I get this scary dream even after completing my graduation many years back.

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A leaf from my Diary...

There were no words to describe him. He was a wonderful, godly person. Yes, he was my husband’s uncle. He was named radhakrishna by his parents. To his siblings he became radhanna, and to us he was radhanmam. He was a bachelor and stayed all alone in a lodge. Everyone in the family liked him very much because he knew how to talk with the people of different age group. With the children he became a child. I must tell you that he was a walking talking encyclopedia. He was aware of everything about everything under the sun…He showed interest in everything, never said no to anything. I feel there is no such a word to describe him, only I can say that he was a wonderful person.

Once in every year he visited us. Even my husband used to jump with joy and happiness.

I remember very well, many years back one such day, we received a letter from his uncle. My husband had read it loudly. Message was very clear: he was coming to Trichur on 25^th, Sunday. He would be starting his journey on 23^rd, Friday and then would go straight to Ernakulam, to meet another cousin. So he had asked my husband to meet him at the railway station at 8.30 am in the morning. My husband told me that the time was quite right time for the breakfast, so we will take breakfast to him. I was shocked to hear what he said and I was nervous too. My in-laws had gone to Bombay to visit their daughter. And I never entered into the kitchen in my life. My mother in-law used to do all the cooking. My mother in law is so good, she gave me some basic training in cooking before leaving for Bombay. I took a few days to over come with this problem. And lo behold, started cooking, but only for 2 people; NOT, NEVER for 3 people. Now what news I have got?

Everyday I get up from the bed, my first job was pray ‘Oh God, please no guests or visitors today’. But now what I was hearing? I doubted myself, didn’t I pray today? I looked with mercifully at my God Ganeshji’s photo.

‘Jay, where r you?’ my husband shook me with a big jolt.

He was annoyed to see me not responding him. He yelled at me ‘how many times do I’ve to call you?’

‘sorry, sorry’ I said apologetically, ‘ I did not hear you. Please tell me what it is?’

He cooled down when he heard sorry from me.

‘yes, I was telling you to prepare idli and chutney, I will take them to R’mam’.

Suddenly I said ‘no, I don’t know how to prepare it’.

By the time he had disappeared from there.

I was very much worried, I never was tense this much earlier, even in my examination hall.

I had to be fast, the next day was his arriving day. So I ran towards the kitchen and soaked daal and rice. After two hours I started grinding the daal and rice. When it was done I took out the dough in a big vessel. I was surprised to see the dough; the quantity was just 1/4th of the container and was flat. Normally the dough becomes fluffy and reaches near the brim of the vessel. Then I reminded of mother in law’s words ‘getting soft and fluffy idlis hoteliers put soda-bi-carb’. I searched all over the shelves in the kitchen for that precious powder. Lo! I found the small dabba, I was sure it was definitely soda-bi-carb. I opened the lid and put a pinch into the dough and kept it for some time. I knew that the dough will raise near the brim after 2 hours. So I waited patiently for another 2 hours.

After 2 hours I opened the lid of the vessel, No, the dough was adamantly sitting flat in the bottom of the vessel. I thought of adding a little more soda and this time I put generously and stirred vigorously. I went to bed.

Next morning my husband woke me up at 5am. I silently prayed to god before opening my eyes. ‘oh god let everything happen good’.

My first job was to check the idli dough. No changes happened, the same quantity of the previous day. Neither raised nor fluffy! Just flat or gone down ½ inch below!

Without murmuring much I placed “PEDAAWAN’ on the fire and poured the dough into idli bowl. Every 5,10 minutes I peeped into the vessel to check whether it was done. Almost after half an hour I was satisfied to see the (flat) idlis. When I removed idlis from the bowl it popped out easily, without any stress.

Wow!!! Happy to see the idlis, I prepared them for the first time in my life!!!

By the time my husband came down dressed.

He asked me ‘is breakfast ready?’

I nodded my head and gave him the parcel.

******************************************

When he returned we sat around the dining table to have our breakfast. What would he tell now, what would his reaction be? Thinking of that I became nervous and more nervous. I served idli in the plate for him and slowly pushed towards him. I was watching his face to see his reaction.

He tried to take a piece of idli, no he could not break it with his three fingers. He stared at me and asked, ‘is it idli or stone?’. By that time he saw one small rat sneaking into the roof. ‘hmm…if I throw this idli on that rat, I am sure that will fall dead’. And laughed loudly at his own joke.

But I could not laugh, I was thinking of his uncle, R’mam. How could he have eaten? Poor man!!!

On that Sunday morning uncle arrived with his bag and baggage. We expected him but not this early.

We welcomed him. He saw me and smiled. I wanted to ask him how was the breakfast. But before asking him, he said, ‘jayashree, your breakfast was so yummy. And really I enjoyed it’ I was embarrassed to hear his words and I searched his face to see whether there was any ironic. But no!! I knew that he was trying to keep my spirit high!

Oh dear R’mam, although you are no more among us, we miss you a lot. We always need your blessings.

My dear......

Uncontrollably tears were rolling out
not even bothered to wipe them out
let them flow till they dry up.

oh.. my dear....
when i learned i was carrying you,
I felt I was floating in heaven.
Everyday I checked with my hand
on my womb to see you whether
you were comfortable inside!
But one day I felt
No, you were not..

oh.. my dear....
When I heard you cry full of pain
I couldn't tolerate your sufferings,
Yes, you pain was my pain,
your agony was mine too,
because we were bound together.

oh..my dear...
Wanted to save you,
but no one was there to save you...
by the time you had left me!
Even before I heard you cry,
Even before I cuddled you,
Even before I kissed you,
Even before I saw you,
Even before calling me Mom.

oh.. my dear....
Why did you leave me?
Was I not worth to be your mother?
Heard it said seven lives for us,
though I dont believe.....
I pray to God to give me one more life
just to be your mother!

Its Me Again

Searched everywhere I could
No where could I find

On the same day
I lost something precious..
When I entered my home
As a bride..

I didn't even know when i lost it....

Searched for a whole day in vain
from days to months.......
from months to years....

Years passed.... one year ... two....
ten.........twenty years......

That day was now actually in front of me!

Yes! At a little distance.... a friend
standing.....smiling at me,
came near, picked up something
which had been so near to me, yet unknown to me,
and extended towards me.

Yes! that was the thing i had lost years back
seeing that grabbed it from friend
so that i won't loose it again....
and held it close....

Yes! that thing.....
which was MY EXISTENCE!